Chris Collins (thereallybigguy) wrote in sexxxygaypeople,
Chris Collins

I need help

You know that I am really in pain and hurt when I am writing in here I kinda moved on from writing in these things but now im hurting so bad and need help...

Ok as alot of you know im totally gay, and people can be real bitches sometimes when they find out..

Well heres how it goes from the start. I had the two best friends in the world Natahna and Kate. Kate was being weird she has always been semi mean to me but Natahna was the best person in the world that I could think of. Well I dont know what happened they all of a sudden without any explenation didnt want to be my friend and I didnt do anything. Everything just fell apart over one night, and this was after the night how I told Natahna how I used to like her. I told her when I thought I was straight I used to have a crush on you and that pissed kate of so we faught all last year.

Well I had a crush on Natahna when I thought that I was straight and I was talking to Kate and she then said that she told Natahna and that pissed me off so I said why the hell would u do that then ever since then they have been so mean to me. They would call me fat, ugly, they would spread rumours about me. It was just mean they did everything that they could to hurt me..

The best one was when we were on the bus together I was sitting a few seats ahead of them, they got some kid none of us knew to go hey why are you so fat and then he was like Wow im amazed the bus moves with you on it and everyone on the bus would just burst out laughing. I went home and cried everynight cuase I knew that Natahna never hated me but was just going along with it. I would look at her when I got off the bus and she would switch sides so she could see me going.

It was all weird then at the end of the year they were just being nice ot me it was so weird. I was just thinking so you want to destroy my life all year and then when we wont see each other be nice to me I didnt get it.. So I dont know what happened from there on, I dont know how we became best friends. All I know is that I am so missing Natahna I dont like love her anymore but she was such a good friend she was someone "normal" that I could tlak to and someone that is always there for me.

And I dont know what happened between us we would spend all of our time together, going to school at school coming home then we would talk on the phone all the time. And it was just good to think that you always had someone there to think about and to have as a friend. Then my other friend Josh was going through some bad problems he became addicted to harsh drugs and was having alot of gay sex with older men and we were just worried about him cause he would come to school drunk and tell us who the fuck of the week was and us being friends just went along with it and said that it was all ok.

So eventually he got so back that we couldnt stand him anymore. He turned into one of those people you see in movies you tell them that they have a problem and they literally flip out on you, well thats what he was like. We told him he needed help and he would yell at us and say anything that he could to us and that really hurt us cuase we didnt know what to do or how to help him. So me and Natahna would like cry every day over him cuase we didnt want him to hurt hisself. We were just really scared and had no clue how to help him so I wrote him a letter and it turned out to be rather long and I got Kates and Natahnas permission to give it to him and it stated the problems that I was having with him and all the things that I was really worried about, and he litterally took it the wrong way and spread rumours about me and got so many people mad at me.

I couldnt go to school and have someone not bring it up "why are you so mean to josh" "why do u hate him" and that was so hard to go through cuase in my hear I knew that I was just trying to help him and not hurt him. So me and Josh were not talking and same with me and all of the people I sometimes talk with. It just hurt that people would think that I would be so mean to him about things like that.

So I dont know I just put up with it and with him and then all of a sudden I learned that he was cutting his wrists and I have alot of friends that have done this but they have been doing it for so long and although i dissaprove of it I know I cant stop them. So Kate called me balling her eyes out and saying that he cut his wrist and I asked to see them on the web cam and it wasnt just his wrist it was his whole arm he cut him self like 100 times on both arms in one night and it really scared me. So me and Kate knew that we needed to get him some help so we called a help phone line and asked what we should do well everything was okay till we told the guy on the phone that Josh was gay and then he started to yell at us and flipped out thinking that we were pranking him, so he hung up on us.

And then we called another one and was put through to a lady named Pam and she was really worried and she was talking to us and listening to us and stuff and then Kate and I decided to get him help so we gave her Joshs name number and address and she sent social services over and they talked to him and his family and stuff and then all of a sudden we seen an improvement.. Little did we know he was just not telling us anything so we wouldnt have anything to go tell people. But its weird ever since them him and I have been better friends and we have done alot more things together and all of a sudden hes been telling me everything and I dont know what to do.

Kate and Natahna all of a sudden aprove of everything that he is doing and I just dont think thats right its like how can you encourage him to do these things when you got him in trouble from doing it before and that really confused me but I guess they were just really happy that they got their Josh back.

So I guess things were better but I forgot to say Natahna always talked about kate like everytime that I would talk to her she would say bad things about kate and I didnt know what to do so I would just agree with her. But then just like out of no where they both just said they didnt want to be my friend and I was so confused so I called Natahna and she was like confused about everthing and we spent about 25 minutes on the phone and she was all quiet like she knew that she was really hurting me and then she was asking me about some things and I just couldnt talk anymore and went crazy and was crying and said I have to go and then hung up.

The next morning I was still very hurt and very fragile I was walking to the bus stop and Natahna was there and she walked up to me and I was on the verge of crying and she gave me a hug and said that she was sorry and I couldnt help it I was so hurt I just cried no matter where I was I would cry. That was the last hug I have ever gotten from her. I cried on the bus that day and I knew that it broke her heart to have to see me do that but at the moment I wanted her to feel that, I wanted her to pay for the pain I was in. Then we got to school and she was still nice till she saw Kate then as soon as Kate came she was instantly mean to me.

And thats how its been for 2 weeks now when Kate is not there she will be nice to me and that really sucks cuase that puts me under the impression that Kate influences her and it sucks like I want my best friend back I want Natahna I miss her... But Kate went on to my accuont and switched everytthing around to "My names Chris Collins I like to stab my friends in the back Im like 315 lbs and i beautiful. no just fat" and that hurt when i saw that so i changed everythin cuase I realized they have been going on my msn and everything cause we all knew each others passwords but i dunno...

But tonight I was talking to a hockey player that I do security and I have been talking to him for a while and hes like I hear from someone that you are gay. I was like yes I am and who told you and he was like oh your friend that you gave my msn to (and that was kate) so I was like do you care and he flipped out he was like YOUR SUCH A FAG EWWW GUYS ON GUYS like ive gotten used to this but everytime I hear it I just want to do something that would stop it. And then this guy goes onto threatening me and I dunno being really imature hes like 19 and acts like this.. so its really stupid my friends are using my sexuality to get back at me.

I just need help I need someone to be here for me and just someone that I can give a hug to and with the best.. Ive admited that one time i got mad at someone and cut my wrist but i regret that and have never done it agian and that the truth so thats good that I have the disiplint to stop.

Also I have been diagnosed with a disease called schleraderma. What it is, is that it eats the tissue and muscles inside of you and posibbly the organs. Yuo see they said that it was non herditary but my mom has it and now i do so theyre like well its a rare chance and when they saw how fast my grows they are like we have to get them both to a specialist so not im off to a hospital on the mainland on monday. and honestly im scared that im going to get sick again..

When i was on my marching band trip with school I was rushed to the hospital cuase i was having rapid head movement and then there they sent me home and i was hospitalized for 2 weeks. then i have been really sick. ive stopped eating for a month after that i had to slowly eat again and now i only eat 1 meal a day. I get pains in my side that basically cripple me and makes me stop breathing ive been to the hospital like 4 times cause of that and then I keep going in for differnet things in the last year i have been in the hospital 13 times... but yeah thats not that bad
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